C R I C K E T J O K E S

 CRICKET JOKES                                                                                             CRICKET JOKES

                      (Collected)                              

You've seen worse?
The nervous young batsman was having a terrible time and was lucky to still be at the crease. During a lull, he stammered to the wicket keeper, 'Well, I expect you've seen worse players.'
Silence....
First slip added 'he said I expect you've seen worse players.'
'I heard him the first time. I was just trying to think.'

Out first ball
In a country town match, the batsman was out first ball. 'Not like last week,' said the wicket-keeper.
'No,' said the batsman. 'Last week I stayed in and got forty and when I got back all the beer was gone!'

Do it this way
The standard of batting in the local side was very low. Even at the net practice, they couldn't hit a thing. Finally, the captain rushed forward and grabbed the bat.
'Now bowl me some fast ones!' he yelled. Six fast balls came down in quick succession and the captain missed them all. Not to be put off he glared at the team and shouted,
'Now that's what you're all doing. Get in there and hit them!'

How I do it ?
The batsman had a large opinion of his prowess.
He was approached by a club member who couldn't resist saying to him, 'You know, whenever I watch you bat, I always wonder...'
'I know, I know. How I do it.'
'No. Why you do it.'

What sort of coach
The eager young batsman had just scored yet another duck and was apologising to the captain.
'I think I could do with some advice. What sort of coach would you recommend?'
'A long distance one.'

Never played so bad
The disgruntled batsman stormed into the pavilion and flung down his bat.
'Terrible' he shouted. 'I've never played so badly before'
The captain looked up. 'Oh, you've played before, have you?'

Iron nerve
The captain called the batsman into his room. 'We've got some very tough matches coming up,' he said, 'and I wanted to talk to you because we need someone with an Iron nerve, a strong constitution and great skill in the side.
That's why I'm asking you to resign.'

Wonderful shot
The nervous batsman had scored a shaky two and was met at the pavilion steps by the captain, who enthused: 'That was a wonderful shot!'
'Which one?'.
'The one where you hit the ball!'

Bottle of beer
The batsman was having a bad time. He played and missed at every ball and was becoming more hot and flusterred every minute. As the bowler was walking back; the batsman turned to the wicket-keeper.
'Phew,' he said 'what couldn't I do with a bottle of beer.'
The wicket-keeper thought for a moment. 'Hit it with the bat?'

How many great batsmen?
The conceited batsman was at the crease. He turned to the wicket-keeper.
'Tell me, my man, just out of interest. How many great players would you say there are?
'One less than you think.' 

Hit on the head
The fast bowler hit the batsman on the head and the batsman danced around in agony, clutching his foot. The opposing captain ran up to help and then said, 'Wait a minute. You were hit on the head. Why are you holding your foot?'
'My corn's giving me hell!' moaned the batsman.

Double hundred
The famous batsman had been in all day. Nothing the home side could do had any effect. As the day's play drew to a close, and the batsman scored two hundred, they were at their wits end.
Then a voice rang out from the crowd: 'Send for the fire brigade-that'll put him out!'

A hostile game
The local game had been a bitter affair, with neither side giving anything away and an unusual amount of hostile bowling. Several injuries were sustained, and after the game one of the batsmen was seen pacing up and down the pitch.
'Ah, I see you're reliving the battle,' said the groundsman.
'No,' said the player. 'I'm looking for my teeth'

Playing on Sunday
George always played cricket on Sunday. This troubled his wife, who asked the vicar 'Is it a sin for him to play on Sunday?'
'It's not a sin,' replied the vicar. 'The way he plays, it's a crime!'

Devils vs Angels
The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.
"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.
"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.

Cricket in hell
A cricket enthusiast died and went to hell. After a few days, the Devil came up to him and said, 'What do you feel like doing today?
You can have anything you like.'
'Well,' said the cricketer, I can't think of nothing better than a game of cricket. Can we do that?'
'Certainly,' said the Devil, and off they went to get changed. They arrived at a beautiful pitch, and the batsman in his new gear took up a stance. Nothing happpened.
'Come on then,' he said to the Devil, 'bowl the first ball.'
'Ah, that's the Hell of it,' said the Devil. 'We haven't got any balls.' 

Curate's first game
The shy young curate had been enticed to play in the village team. Although he had never played before, he gave the first ball a resounding whack and sent it out of the ground.
'Run!' yelled his partner.
'Don't worry,' said the embarrassed curate, 'I'll buy you a new ball.'

Bishop & the Vicar
In a small country game, the bishop was taking part and was at the crease. The bowler was the local vicar who sent down a wide ball. 'I say,' called the bishop, 'keep it in the parish, would you?'
The vicar ran up, bowled, and knocked the middle stump out of the ground.
'I think that's about the diocese, my lord,' he said.

Worst spell
In school, the sports master and English teacher asked one of his brighter pupils to spell "bowling".
Back came the answer : "B-o-e-l-i-n." "That," said he, "is the worst spell of bowling I've ever seen."

Great ball
Another famous cricketer was enticed down to a remote country village and took the field to tremendous hand from the crowd. He took his guard and faced the local fast bowler.
Down came the ball and uprooted his stumps. As he walked out he called to the bowler, "Magnificent ball."
"What did you expect?" the bowler growled. "A ruddy turnip?"

The poor slip
A slip fieldsman had a particularly depressing day during which he dropped no less than ten catches all off the same bowler. After the game he was talking to the bowler when he broke off and looked at his watch. "I must go," he said, "I have a train to catch." The bowler looked at him bitterly. "Let's hope you have better luck with that, then."

Stonewaller
The bowler was up against a stonewaller who never moved his bat. Every ball either hit the bat or passed harmlessly by, no stroke being offered.
The bowler turned to the umpire. 'Is he out if he doesn't move his bat?'
'No,' said the umpire. 'But he will be if he does!'

How's that
One of England's fastest bowlers was taking a quiet stroll in a little village when he came upon a game of cricket. This being in the age before TV, cricketers were not always recognised by face.
The visiting team was one player short and invited the great man not knowing who he was. The home team was batting first. Soon it became evident that the umpires were more than slightly in favour of the batsmen, when several appeals for catches behing the wicket and leg-before were turned down.
The visiting captain, in desperation, and having used all his bowlers turned to our friend. The Test cricketer, Harold Larwood, marked out a short run-up and came in and bowled his first delivery. The batsman was plumb in front and was about to move.
"Howzzaat!" cried the visitors. But the umpire just shook his head in denial.
Lol, a little miffed, came in again, and there was a loud noise to be heard as the batsman nicked to the keeper. But, once again, to the amazement of the visitors, their appeals fell on deaf ears.
Now, Lol was livid. He marked out his full run-up, told hte keeper to step further back and came charging in at full pace.
The batsman never saw the ball. All he did see was his off stump cartwheeling out of the ground. Lol calmly turned back from his follow through and walked back to the top of his run-up.
On his way,as he passed the Umpire he remarked, "We nearly had him there, didn't we?"

Notice any difference
The bowler had a dreadful match which cost his side the game. All week long he practiced hard for the next game. During the following match, he said to the captain, 'Notice any difference?'
The captain looked at him thoughtfully. 'You've had your hair cut, haven't you?'

Knock his teeth out
In a village match, one of the batsmen received a fast ball which caught him in the mouth and broke several teeth. The next year, in the return match, he faced the same bowler.
'I hope you're not after my teeth this year,' he said.
'No,' grinned the bowler, 'this time it's the stumps I'm after!'

Good enough
In a local game. the visiting side had two fearsome fast bowlers. Everybody was terrified of them , none more so that the opening bat for the home team. He crept , shaking , to the crease and awaited the first ball. The bowler thundered up to the crease and hurled down a scorcher. The batsman waved his bat at it and it was fielded at mid-on. Immediately, he walked for the pavilion. 'Where are you going?' cried the bowler. 'He caught it on first bounce.'
'Looked good enough to me' replied the retreating batsman.

Umpire at the gate
Just before the match, the secretary received a message in his office from the turnstiles. There's an umpire down here with two friends. Wants to know if they can come in.'
'No,' replied the secretary , 'the man's obviously lying.'
'How do you make that out?'
'Whoever heard of an umpire with two friends.'

Bail weight
Did you know that our umpire always checks that the bails are the correct weight?
He takes them to the bail-weigh station.....

Windy day
In a village match, the local squire was at the crease. He missed the first ball of the day which clipped the off stump and the bail fell to the ground. Picking it up he looked pointedly at the umpire. "Windy today, isn't it?" he asked."Aye, Squire," came the answer, "but I'm not, and you're out."

Heckling the umpire
In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic.
"What are you doing?" asked the spectator.
"Well," said the umpire,"it seems you get the best view from here."

No umpire ?
The village teams were ready to begin their match but discovered that they were without an umpire. They decided that they would use a member of the crowd even though he knew nothing of the rules. When he was dressed in his white coat and hat, he went up to the captain of the home side.
"What do I do?" he asked
."It's very simple," said the home captain. "When I shout "HOWZAT!" you simply put up your finger and say "OUT".
When it's our turn to bat, I'll tell thee a little bit more!"

I've been watching you
During the match, the fieldsman positioned just behind the umpire kept trying to distract the batsman as the ball was bowled to him. Several appeals for L.B.W were turned down, and finally the umpire turned to the fieldsman and said sternly:
"I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes."
"I thought so," came the reply, "I could tell you weren't watching the game!"

I can't do anything
The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist.
Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?
Doctor: 'Get another job.'
Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for England tomorrow !'

Swallowed his pen
The secretary was frantically phoning the doctor.
'Can you come quickly; doctor? the scorer has just swallowed his pen.'
'I'll be right over. What are you doing in the mean time? '
'Using a pencil.'

Importance of fitness
Two men were discussing the importance of fitness in the game of cricket. Said the fat one, 'When I'm at the crease, my body is highly tuned and as taut as a bowstring. The bowler comes up, bowls and my brain snaps out a command to my body to get quickly behind the line, raise the bat and execute a perfect stroke.'
'Then what happens?'
'My body says: 'Who me?'

Phrenologist
The phrenologist was carefully feeling the head of the father.
'Ah yes,' he said. 'Now that bump indicates a love of children.'
'Love of children?' snorted the father, 'That's where my son hit me with a cricket bat!'

Fit for cricket
'You have to be fit to play cricket, don't you?'
'You certainly do. I get up at five, run for two miles, come back and do four hours of exercises'
'How long have you been doing it?'
'I start tomorrow.'

Good mornings work
The toothless victim was emerging from the anaesthetic. As he came to his senses, he saw the dentist packing up to go to lord's for the afternoon.
'Not a bad morning's work, eh?' said the dentist, cheekily. 'All out before lunch!'

Humorous Definitions
APPEAL- A 250 decibel scream made to overcome the obvious congenital deafness so common in the umpiring profession.
AVAGOYAMUG- The mysterious, almost religious chant that comes out of the mouth of the cricket spectator. Sometimes it can be repeated by the one person 1200 times in an afternoon,especially if the Englishmen are batting.
BLOCK- Taking block, a slow painful ritual involving an incoming batsman, the umpire and a little pitch excavation.A means of postponing the fearful onslaught.
BRADMAN- See God.
BYE- A way of scoring a run or more by cleverly missing the ball.The umpire raises one arm as if he wants to leave the room. The wicketkeeper wishes he could.
CAUGHT BEHIND- Trapped in the turnstiles.
COMMENTATOR- He's venerable.His eyesight is not as good as it was in 1938 but it's remarkable how he can still pick an inswinger or an outswinger from 200 metres. Whats going on in the centre can be a wretched inconvevience when he's just recalling that marvellous incident on the fourth day of the Fifth Test in 1948. He is superb at describing seagulls and most graceful at 5pm when he refers to the long shadows moving across the ground.At 6pm during the suming up he can usually cause a shock by actually referring to the days play.
ESKY- A trade device used for carting refreshments mostly into sports grounds. Many of them are made of plastic foam. In moments of extreme emotion during Test matches it is done to break up your esky and throw the pieces at the players.
EXTRAS- Or in politer circles,sundries.Here we have the collection of no balls and byes. Extras is quite a fellow. Sometimes he is so skillful he is the top scorer of the day.
FOOTBALL- A crude winter game played with an inflated pigskin. It provides much tedious talk in the newspapers, bars and on the airwaves.If particular care is not taken it will get worse and the desire will arise to play it all year round.
GOD- See Bradman.
HORSE RACING- A strange unecessary sport where horses are thrashed into competing against one another. It is used for the sole purpose of interrupting cricket descriptions on the radio.